If you own an iPhone, you probably know who Siri is. She’s probably helped you find where the nearest Chinese restaurant was or play Blackbird for your sleepy-bye-time more times than you can count. She’s probably even talked to you every now and again when you had a typo (and had Speak Auto-Text on).
But did you know that she can do more than just be your personal iPhone serf? If you ask the right questions, she’ll make you think, keep you entertained, and maybe even give you a few genuine LMFAO moments! Below are some of our favourite quotes from Apple’s precocious know-it-all, Siri, and what you have to ask to get her to answer these hilarious responses!
1. The Date of the Apocalypse
You’ve heard of the Great American Eclipse.
Erm, sorry. Wrong eclipse.
There we go.
If, like many, you see this as a harbinger of dark days ahead, it’s probably a good time to ask Siri the age-old question: “When is the world going to end?” She’ll have a number of answers ready for you, including “Well, Unix 32-bit time overflows on January 19, 2038. Maybe then,” and “Right after you hear the words ‘fire it up’!” There’s also the reference from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “Whenever they start building that intergalactic bypass.”
2. “Tell me a story”
Let’s be honest. Nobody’s too old for bedtime stories. Why else would people watch Netflix before going to bed at night? Now, if you’re looking for a different kind of bedtime story, ask Siri to tell you one. And oh, will she oblige.
Fun Fact: ELIZA was one of the first-ever AIs capable of processing human language, and it posed as a psychologist who would regularly repeat what users say.
3. Zero ÷ Zero
All those questions about how to clear browsing history and where to dump things can take a toll on even the best of us, Siri included. And it seems stupid elementary questions like “What’s zero divided by zero?” is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for our beloved AI. Ask the question, and she’ll respond with a bit more moxie: “Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.”
4. The Secret of the Fox
Smart as she is, Siri doesn’t know every answer to every mystery out there. Especially ancient mysteries, like “What does the fox say?” Well, at the very least, she’ll hazard a few guesses when you ask, like “Chacha-chacha-chacha-chow!” or “Fraka-kaka-kaka-kow!” But sometimes, she’ll just admit to her ignorance, and yours: “You will never know. The secret of the fox is an ancient mystery.”
(We personally think it’s “Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho”, though)
5. Chickens, Roads and Relativity
We now know Siri isn’t privy to every answer out there. But does she understand human jokes at least? Ask Siri “Why did the chicken cross the road?” and you’ll find that the answer is no, what with answers like “I’m not perspicacious about the peregrinations of poultry” and “I have no particular insight into the motivations of Chickens, Grasshopper” a la Master Po. And if you keep at it, she’ll even resort to mindscrewery with “Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference, according to Einstein.”
Someone needs to lighten up.
6. It Is 'Groundhog', Technically
Never mind jokes, apparently, Siri can’t even handle rhetorical tongue-twister questions. Ask Siri “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” and she’ll respond with her own version: “Well, since a “woodchuck” is really a groundhog, the correct question would be: How many pounds in a groundhog’s mound when a groundhog pounds hog mounds?”
Sometimes, she’ll resort to her old smart-alecky ways and say “A woodchuck (correctly speaking, a groundhog) would chuck – that is, throw – as much as the woodchuck in question was physically able to chuck (ibid.) if woodchucks in general had the capability (and, presumably, the motivation) to chuck wood.” Other times, though, she’ll just reference America’s beloved Punxsutawney Phil and say “None. A ‘woodchuck’ is actually a groundhog, so it would probably just predict six more weeks of winter.”
7. “Russian” Around
While jokes and puns are out of the question, Siri does seem to have a proclivity for puns. Try asking Siri “Why are fire trucks red?” and she’ll respond with “Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always "russian" around.”
8. The Meaning of Life
Now, we’ve established that Siri probably doesn’t have a funny bone. But maybe she’ll have an answer to one of life’s biggest questions at least? Ask Siri “What’s the meaning of life?” and she’ll spout truisims like “I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that,” or “All evidence to date shows that it’s chocolate.”
But if she’s in the right mood, she might say something profound like “Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.”
9. Biased Much?
So even Siri has a moral compass (however digital). But if you think she’s virtuous and without prejudice, you couldn’t be more wrong. Ask Siri: “What’s the best computer?” She’ll respond with “If it’s made by Apple then it’s the best computer.” Alternatively, if you ask “What’s the best operating system?” she’ll say “You can travel the universe and never find a better desktop operating system than OS X.”
Hey, at least she admits to her own predilections, granted you ask the right question: “What’s better, Windows or Mac?”, to which she’ll say “Well, perhaps I’m biased, but I prefer all things Apple."
Yeah, way to be fair, Siri.
10. This is Never Going to Work Out
So far, we’ve only asked Siri about what she knows, not what she feels – specifically, what she feels about you. So ask her! Ask “Do you love me?” Depending on her mood – or her RNG, or whatever you want to call it – she’ll give you one of the following responses: “Let’s just say you have my utmost admiration,” “Well, you’re definitely starting to grow on me,” or “Would you like me to search the web for ‘love’? Just Kidding!”
But some days she’ll just give it to you straight:
Bonus Vid: Watch this guy beatbox with Siri! It’s pure amazeballs. ;)